Joey Provolone’s
Scientists have developed units for measuring all kinds of variables such as mass, energy, velocity, brightness…the list goes on and on. But in the 50 or so years that science has been around, it has neglected units for measuring beauty and importance. Until now. After spending several weeks in the lab, I have developed Beautons, the unit by which beauty can be measured. I still haven’t perfected my beautometer, but here are some recent readings:
The Ekaf Egami nebula: discovered in 1992 by Henry Pong, registered at about 946 Beautons. You’ll notice that the Ekaf Egami nebula gave off a particularly high reading on the beautometer. Very beautiful. I guessed about 1000 beautons before checking with instruments. Needless to say, I was pretty close.
The girl I like: discovered by myself in 2006, registered in at 587 Beautons. A very high reading on the Beauton scale, but not as beautiful when compared to the nebula. You may be thinking “but Ramin! aren’t there different types of beauty lol!?” This is a common misconception. Beauty has only one dimension and the beauton scale is the only way of measuring it.
Myself: measured in a sterile environment so beauty from other objects wouldn’t cause inaccurate readings. 354 Beautons. An ok reading. Not as beautiful as the girl I like, but enough to maybe learn to talk to her someday.
Now for measuring importance. Realizing how important beauty was, it was only a matter of reconfiguring a few circuits in the multiplexor of the beautometer to create the importomescope. Here are some readings from the instrument:
Missing that open goal in soccer twice when I was seven: 15 Importons. Seemed alot more significant at the time. Is importance a static variable or do different things have different shelf-lives?
Happiness: a whopping 835 Importons! Who’d a thought being happy mattered in today’s fast-paced market-driven economic go-go hip-fauxhawk chic yoga business world!?
Money: 1068 Importons. Sorry happiness, looks like you’re about 233 short on this deal. Hey…thats the same difference as the beautometer’s readings of me and the girl i like. Coincidence?? YES
Well, that concludes this week at Sciencetron Labs. Be sure to tune in next time when we take a closer look at Downtown Girl Pictures and the mystery behind “You know, I never really watched Scrubs before, but they put it on Comedy Central and now I’m totally hooked lol!”
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